The World is Absolutely on Fire but this is Fine

Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the delectable Rosie Knight keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column. 

There was a time when gathering gossip was simple. All you needed was a mole in every major city. In Metropolis, it was Bibbo Bibbowski. That sweetheart of a man would spill the beans on Superman for one steak dinner a month without fail. I miss those days. They were easier times, when one character popping into another’s world was headline news. “Swingin’ Bat in the Big City,” we’d say with a blurry photo of the Dark Knight dangling from a rope in front of the Daily Planet offices.

It’s a whole different ball game now, darlings. These heroes crisscross into each other’s terrains on an hourly basis and I practically need a decoder ring to decipher all of the names and places that flood my inbox as thirsty informants barrage me with the latest. Good luck getting a hold of one of those rings, by the way. Amanda Waller has probably confiscated all of them along with every possible piece of super-powered paraphernalia from the top of Wayne Tower to the bottom of Atlantis. 

EXCLUSIVE: Heroes Take a Stand, Get Knocked Down

I’ve been told that we all missed one for the books when Nightwing (sans disco collar, sadly) gave a rousing speech and rallied the uncaptured metas to fight back against Waller’s sneaky schemes. My man on the inside even told me he could see a single perfect tear rolling down Batman’s cowl, the Dark Knight was so full of pride to witness his first sidekick step out of his menacing Bat-shaped shadow and assert his rightful place as a leader of heroes both young and old.

And then it all went to hell as each of them were handed their @&$es by Queen Brainiac, who, to quote my source, “trampled them like a line of squishy ants who were marching to their doom.”

Which sounds ominous until you realize that if the ants were marching to their doom, then is it really all that bad that they were trampled? I mean, they were already marching to doom anyway, right? And aren’t all ants squishy? Are some squishier than others? I swear, sometimes these guys try to be all dramatic-sounding and it completely—oops! Looks like I’m digressing again!

Look, this was apparently recreated within the pages of Absolute Power #2 by Mark Waid and Dan Mora, although I’ve heard that the real deal was even bloodier and more brutal. And I also hear it was another second generation hero, the younger (and somewhat redundantly monikered) Superman, who laid the smackdown on all of his daddy’s dear friends. Kids these days, right? 

RUMOR: One Amazo Isn’t Totally Craze-O

By now we all know that Miss Mandy and her evil trinity have sent Amazos out to terrorize and detain every metahuman on Earth. But her plan seems to have slightly backfired in the case of one robotic soldier, who reportedly sucked the Starheart Power out of the oldest Green Lantern and got more than a brilliant pair of twinkling green eyes in the process. Apparently, this Amazo—whom I personally refer to as Larry, but others may know as Jadestone—has begun talking to itself quite a bit and pondering the existential nature of free will amidst a conflict that requires blind obedience.

As strange as it may seem, I’ve been informed that Larry is growing more and more sentient by the day and is rumored to be pitching a self-help book he’s authored entitled “G.R.E.E.N.: Getting Ready to Embrace Ethical Nuance.” If these rumors are true, I sure hope Larry finds a better literary agent than I did. You may be shocked to learn that I’m still waiting on my royalty check from my bestselling biography duology that I wrote way back when there were still only two Jokers. Anyhow, if you’re interested, I hear you can catch up on Larry—er, Jadestone’s recent actions in the pages of Absolute Power: Task Force VII #3 and Green Lantern #14, if my sources are to be believed. 

CONFIRMED: The Purple Gloves Are Back, Darlings

Even in when you’re living in anarchy, you mustn’t underestimate the importance of smart accessorizing, and no one knows that better than our beloved Caped Crusader—it’s right there in his name, after all.

So, it’s fitting that the fashion world was rocked this past month by a throwback look that pulled from Batman’s earliest days. Before he went all grey and broody, Batman was somewhat of an experimental fashionista. He once sported a pair of grape-colored finger sleeves, as we used to call them, alongside his bold blue cape. The clashing gloves didn’t stick around for too long, but they were certainly the talk of the town at the time, and no trip to Gotham was complete without the purchase of your own pair.

So, imagine my delight now that, as first seen in Absolute Power #2 and verified in Batman #151, these plum-hued hand holders have made a bold return. It may be a topsy turvy world out there, but it’s nice to know that some fashion classics can remind us of simpler, more innocent days. Well, I suppose they weren’t that much more innocent or else we wouldn’t have needed a Batman in the first place. But he could wage his unrelenting war on crime against the criminals of the Gotham streets in eye-grabbing gauntlets that were the same color of underripe eggplants and no one questioned it! Oh, to once again be so young and pure and…purple.

Anyhow, now that the gloves are back, at least Batman will look sharp when Amanda Waller completely eradicates him from the face of the Earth and then uses her fascist robots to erase any memory of our dear Dark Knight from our collective minds. Until then, I’ll be tapping my keys with these indulgent wisteria finger sleeves in tribute. And best of all, I can spill as much wine and boysenberry pie on them as I want and no one will be the wiser. So, until we’ve all had our capacity for freethought—and hot goss—burned from our brains by rampaging Amazos, keep spreading the word…as long as you tell me first! 

Rosie Knight is an award-winning journalist and author who loves Swamp Thing, the DC Cosmic and writing the monthly gossip column here at DC.com. You can also listen to her waxing lyrical about comics, movies and more each week as she co-hosts Crooked Media’s pop-culture podcast, X-Ray Vision.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Rosie Knight and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.